tastefullyoffensive:

What what?

deemnfic do you think David would try to teach Patsy to speak? Like, sit in the corner of the apartment with a tin of kibble and try to coax her to say ‘Mama’ as a gift for Snow? And then Snow and Emma walk in and Snow’s lugging baby Neal (who is getting so big!) and Emma’s got the diaper bag and the cooler for the baby bottles and David’s just standing their and goes “Say hi to Ma!” And Patsy lets out a bleat loud enough to peel the paint off the distressed-wood end table, that maybe kinda if you think about it sounds like “Ma!” 

And Snow takes a deep breath and plasters a smile on her face, but there’s a vein throbbing in her temple and she makes some comment about Neal’s diaper and runs from the room. 

And Emma tries not to laugh, because David is so proud. 

derinthemadscientist:

kaytara-art:

silentstep:

notbecauseofvictories:

therobotmonster | moniquill | siderealsandman | friendlytroll | prokopetz | mikhailvladimirovich | bogleech |

It’s funny how science fiction universes so often treat humans as a boring, default everyman species or even the weakest and dumbest.

I want to see a sci fi universe where we’re actually considered one of the more hideous and terrifying species.

How do we know our saliva and skin oils wouldn’t be ultra-corrosive to most other sapient races? What if we actually have the strongest vocal chords and can paralyze or kill the inhabitants of other worlds just by screaming at them? What if most sentient life in the universe turns out to be vegetable-like and lives in fear of us rare “animal” races who can move so quickly and chew shit up with our teeth?

Like that old story “they’re made of meat,” only we’re scarier.

HOLY SHIT THEY EAT CAPSAICIN FOR FUN

YOU GUYS I HEARD A HUMAN ONCE ATE AN AIRPLANE.

A HUMAN CAN KEEP FIGHTING FOR HOURS EVEN AFTER YOU SHOOT IT

humans are a proud warrior race with a pantheon of bloody gods: Ram-Bo, Schwarzenegger, etc.

REMOVING A LIMB WILL NOT FATALLY INCAPACITATE HUMANS: ALWAYS DESTROY THE HEAD.

WARNING: HUMANS CAN DETECT YOU EVEN AT NIGHT BY TRACKING VIBRATIONS THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE

WARNING: HUMANS CAN REPRODUCE AT A RATE OF 1 PER SPACEYEAR. DESTROY INFESTATIONS IMMEDIATELY

THE HUMAN MOUTH HAS OVER THIRTY OUTCROPS OF BONE AND POWERFUL JAW MUSCLES.

HUMAN BITES CAN BE FATALLY INFECTIOUS EVEN TO OTHER HUMANS

WARNING: HUMANS CAN AND WILL USE IMPROVISED WEAPONS. SEE CLASSIFIED DATA LABELED J. CHAN.

HUMANS CAN PROJECT BIOWEAPONS FROM ALMOST EVERY ORIFICE ON THEIR BODY. DO NOT INHALE

OH GOD THE HUMANS FIGURED OUT DOOR HANDLES OH GOD OH GOD

More seriously, humans do have a number of advantages even among Terrestrial life. Our endurance, shock resistance, and ability to recover from injury is absurdly high compared to almost any other animal. We often use the phrase “healthy as a horse” to connote heartiness - but compared to a human, a horse is as fragile as spun glass. There’s mounting evidence that our primitive ancestors would hunt large prey simply by following it at a walking pace, without sleep or rest, until it died of exhaustion; it’s called pursuit predation. Basically, we’re the Terminator.

(The only other animal that can sort of keep up with us? Dogs. That’s why we use them for hunting. And even then, it’s only “sort of”.)

Now extrapolate that to a galaxy in which most sapient life did not evolve from hyper-specialised pursuit predators:

  • Our strength and speed is nothing to write home about, but we don’t need to overpower or outrun you. We just need to outlast you - and by any other species’ standards, we just plain don’t get tired.
  • Where a simple broken leg will cause most species to go into shock and die, we can recover from virtually any injury that’s not immediately fatal. Even traumatic dismemberment isn’t necessarily a career-ending injury for a human.
  • We heal from injuries with extreme rapidity, recovering in weeks from wounds that would take others months or years to heal. The results aren’t pretty - humans have hyperactive scar tissue, among our other survival-oriented traits - but they’re highly functional.
  • Speaking of scarring, look at our medical science. We developed surgery centuries before developing even the most rudimentary anesthetics or life support. In extermis, humans have been known to perform surgery on themselves - and survive. Thanks to our extreme heartiness, we regard as routine medical procedures what most other species would regard as inventive forms of murder. We even perform radical surgery on ourselves for purely cosmetic reasons.

In essence, we’d be Space Orcs.

Our jaws have too many TEETH in them, so we developed a way to WELD METAL TO OUR TEETH and FORCE THE BONES IN OUR JAW to restructure over the course of years to fit them back into shape, and then we continue to wear metal in out mouths to keep them in place. 

We formed cohabitative relationships with tiny mammals and insects we keep at bay from bothering us by death, often using little analouge traps. 

And by god, we will eat anything. 

  • We use borderline toxic peppers to season our food. 
  • We expose ourselves to potentially lethal solar radiation in the pursuit of darkening our skin. 
  • We risk hearing loss for the opportunity to see our favorite musicians live. 
  • We have a game where two people get into an enclosed area and hit each other until time runs out/one of them pass out
  • We willingly jump out of planes with only a flimsy piece of cloth to prevent us from splattering against the ground. 
  • Our response to natural disasters is to just rebuild our buildings in the exact same places. 
  • We climb mountains and risk freezing to death for bragging rights
  • We invented dogs. We took our one time predators and completely domesticated them. 
  • On a planet full of lions, tigers and bears, we managed to advance further and faster than any other species on the planet. 

Klingons and Krogan and Orcs ain’t got shit on us

We drink ethanol (in concentrations high enough to be used as an effective as microbicide or a solvent!) for the express purpose of achieving blood toxicity and disrupting normal brain function… AS A RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY!

On the same subject, we also deliberately incinerate assorted substances and then inhale the particulate-heavy smoke and vapor resulting for the same effect. EVEN IN THE FACE OF SAID SUBSTANCES BEING CARCINOGENIC, BECAUSE WE JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

Humans do not have biological castes. Kill their commander and another will take its place. Soldiers left alone on a planet will start farming and manufacturing to survive. Farmers and manufacturers will take up arms and kill you if pressed. Just because two humans look different doesn’t mean they cannot do each other’s jobs.

Breeding does not kill them. A single human can mate dozens or hundreds of times in a lifetime. They often do so as recreation. Xenobiology team six believes they do not have a mating season but this is too strange to be true.

Their appendages are not designed for hitting, so they developed special training to make them very good at hitting anyhow. 

The proteins making up their bodies are toxic and cause prion disease. Do not touch anything humans have touched. Do not consume earth foods. Fire does not adequately remove this contamination.

Humans perceive sixteen times the colors we do. Do not hide in bushes or vines from humans. They can distinguish your pelt from the foliage with ease.

We tried venting waste gas into the tunnels to kill the humans when they attacked. Turns out they breathe it. 

Everything on their planet came from a single biological strain. They developed comprehensive genetics BEFORE they developed space travel. 

They lack radio receptors and cannot be brought into compliance with right-thought simply by broadcasting to them. Even after we learned how to translate it into sound-waves one of their hatchlings drove the Great Authority mad by responding to every demand with a single question: “Why?”

#an individual human being is actually a microbiome in its own right—you are dealing with a legion each time you approach them     #they carry pathological agents inside their deep tissues and this is advantageous to their health     #one of the most widespread and resilient viruses on their planet is treated as mildly hazardous—even though it causes     #massive disruption to the body’s homeostasis     #(their young offspring endure multiple rhinovirus infections EACH YEAR yet they seem unperturbed by this)     #they have developed such long lifespans that now their primary threat is their own body’s degeneration     #humanity has literally figured out how to survive so long that their body gives out under them     #and they are not satisfied with that     #stupid willful vengeful survivalists who treat mortality like a challenge     #sarah’s ongoing love letter to humanity     #(this is my favorite post of all time I swear)    (via notbecauseofvictories)

Do not be fooled by a human’s fragile appearance. Humans are nearly hairless and are not covered in protective scales, ridges or spikes. This is because, in the early period of their evolution as a genus, they have become so accustomed to killing other creatures for their pelts, bones and teeth as to render natural weapons or defenses entirely obsolete.

It is normal and expected for the average human to experience disease and severe injuries such as broken bones or dislocated joints during their childhood as a result of interpersonal early dominance fights or exploring their surroundings and developing their strength and agility. The average human makes a full recovery from these afflictions and is not impaired in their adult life by these experiences.

Humans are a member of class mammalia, partly characterised by their methods of feeding children. While human infants can subsist on partly-degraded versions of adult food if necessary, humans often find it more convenient to liquefy the fats and nutrients of their own bodies and feed them directly to their young. This in many ways mimics the system in which developing infants use a specialised organ to physically penetrate their mother’s body and feast from their blood.

Indeed, humans find this method of feeding via liquefied body fats so useful that they have imprisoned and bred several of their mammalian cousins to supply them with the same food source in adulthood. 

(Source: bogleech, via vaachaal)

It’s actually not so bad today. I was mostly bored sitting still with my foot elevated all day. 

(I made a misstep & my foot turned the wrong way. It’s very silly, which is why Danielle was teasing me by saying I got chased by a bear.)

It’s actually not so bad today. I was mostly bored sitting still with my foot elevated all day.

(I made a misstep & my foot turned the wrong way. It’s very silly, which is why Danielle was teasing me by saying I got chased by a bear.)

paradoxalpoised replied to your photo:Perfect fucking timing.

WTF?!

2 breaks in the outside metatarsal. happened tuesday morning first thing.

doubleohsandwich:

biogeekgrrl:

Perfect fucking timing.

I’m so sorry about your bear attack, Auntie

Well, the bear was after my beer, and I just couldn’t allow that.

doubleohsandwich:

biogeekgrrl:

Perfect fucking timing.

I’m so sorry about your bear attack, Auntie

Well, the bear was after my beer, and I just couldn’t allow that.

Perfect fucking timing.

Perfect fucking timing.

melazon:


#They both look so determined #And skeptical #And gorgeous naturally

#they look like they’re judging a terrible outfit#both of them are disgusted and confused (via outlawqueensituation)
Regina: "My God, Mary Margaret, what is that horrid thing you just wrapped around yourself?!"
Robin: "Is that a dead animal?!"
Regina: "Maybe it’s Red, I haven’t been seeing her around lately."
MM: "REGINA!"

melazon:

  

 (via outlawqueensituation)

Regina: "My God, Mary Margaret, what is that horrid thing you just wrapped around yourself?!"

Robin: "Is that a dead animal?!"

Regina: "Maybe it’s Red, I haven’t been seeing her around lately."

MM: "REGINA!"

(Source: outlawqueen-thefairytale, via stanley-tuccis)

Tags: trololol

reyesrobbies:

image

(via digitaltempest)

"The rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of its innate violence. To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence. More than that, it is cooperation in violence. The frenzy of the activist…destroys his own inner capacity for peace. It destroys the fruitfulness of his own work, because it kills the root of inner wisdom which makes work fruitful."

Thomas Merton, as quoted in Courtney Martin’s weekly column for On Being, "The Spiritual Art of Saying No"
(via beingblog)

(via wishverse)

stardust-rain:

dollygale:

brandx:

dorianthewellendowed:

jimmyfury:

zarabithia:

queerhawkeye:

beanarie:

Yeeeees? And?

I’m taking this as a compliment to Elementary.

LOL.
Not Featuring A Dude Who Makes Rape Jokes is `100% a compliment.

Not mayo on white bread.


#Not a show where women are punchlines?#Not a show where women are reduced to sexy plot devices or bitches?#Not a show with only 1 poc regular cast member despite the series taking place in one of the most culturally diverse cities#in the english speaking world?#OH NO#OH GOSH HOW TERRIBLE.


Not a show helmed by a dude so racist he regurgitates Yellow Peril conspiracy theories circa 1898.
Not a show that reduces WOC to antagonistic shrews/wilting lotus flowers but rather casts a WOC in the lead to totally pwn a white British supervillain that tries to reduce her to a ‘mascot’
Not a show that constantly queerbaits its viewers and mocks them for daring to interpret the characters as anything other than cishet men.

a show featuring 100% canon trans and gay characters that handles them like real human beings a show that turns misogynistic tropes on their heads a show that calls its white male protagonists out on his shita show with an adaptation of sherlock who praises women a show with flawless writing that showcases how women actually actdo i really need to go on

not a show that features orientalist ~chinese music~ every time joan watson is on screen
not a show that fetishizes lesbian women and has them fall for the straight white man

stardust-rain:

dollygale:

brandx:

dorianthewellendowed:

jimmyfury:

zarabithia:

queerhawkeye:

beanarie:

Yeeeees? And?

I’m taking this as a compliment to Elementary.

LOL.

Not Featuring A Dude Who Makes Rape Jokes is `100% a compliment.

Not mayo on white bread.

Not a show helmed by a dude so racist he regurgitates Yellow Peril conspiracy theories circa 1898.

Not a show that reduces WOC to antagonistic shrews/wilting lotus flowers but rather casts a WOC in the lead to totally pwn a white British supervillain that tries to reduce her to a ‘mascot’

Not a show that constantly queerbaits its viewers and mocks them for daring to interpret the characters as anything other than cishet men.

a show featuring 100% canon trans and gay characters that handles them like real human beings
a show that turns misogynistic tropes on their heads
a show that calls its white male protagonists out on his shit
a show with an adaptation of sherlock who praises women
a show with flawless writing that showcases how women actually act
do i really need to go on

not a show that features orientalist ~chinese music~ every time joan watson is on screen

not a show that fetishizes lesbian women and has them fall for the straight white man

(Source: winston5mith, via heartsways)